Endless Gifts

A new project: making a list of the many gifts the Lord has lavished upon me. 🙂

1. Easy, quick, chocolatey breakfasts.

2. A friend who prays with hands open, as if he is waiting to receive blessings.

3. Coming back to choir after a break – sweet hugs all around.

4. A friend who gives huge, all-encompassing hugs, then lifts me off my feet and spins me around.

5. A professor who gives devotions before every class, and talks to us as though he really loves us.

6. Sitting in the coffee-shop with friends, listening to live music and savoring the atmosphere and those friends’ presence.

7. A friend who also loves classic rock, and is very talented with the guitar, harmonica, and singing. I love being proud of him.

8. A day that is gray and yet obviously warming as spring comes closer.

9. Wearing spring jackets instead of winter parkas.

10. Hearing someone’s favorite verse in scripture and how it has blessed them.

11. Hearing someone talk about all their stresses and feeling an overwhelming desire to give them a hug and a backrub.
  • I hate how ads for weight-loss keep showing up on the side of my site. It’s like they know I keep gaining, and that I’m constantly mad at myself for it.
  • I feel shallow. There is no depth to me. What good am I doing in this world? What am I accomplishing? What would people think if they really knew what I’m like academically (meaning, I’m a total slacker)?
  • I’m worrying how I’m going to get this paper done for Dr. Bressler. I feel like this class is one that could define me and my status as an English major. I feel like I’m blowing it.
  • I’m behind in Reader’s Theater. That’s my least demanding class and I feel like Dr. Gaerte is my most forgiving professor, but professors need to stop being forgiving of me, I think.
  • Wanting to cultivate my inner life. I want to write in my journal, spend so much more time in the Word.
  • I want people. Scratch that… I want Bryan. I just want him. I want his arms around me, his eyes full of so much love.

I guess I ought to go to bed. I HAVE to do work tomorrow. I HAVE to.

It is true. I stand at the door of your heart, day and night. Even when you are not listening, even when you doubt it could be Me, I am there. I await even the smallest sign of your response, even the least whispered invitation that will allow Me to enter.

And I want you to know that whenever you invite Me, I do come – always, without fail. Silent and unseen I come, but with infinite power and love, and bringing the many gifts of My Spirit. I come with My mercy, with My desire to forgive and heal you, and with a love for you beyond your comprehension – a love every bit as great as the love I have received from the Father (“As much as the Father has loved me, I have loved you..” [Jn. 15:10]). I come – longing to console you and give you strength, to lift you up and bind all your wounds. I bring you My light, to dispel your darkness and all your doubts. I come with My power, that I might carry you and all of your burdens; with My grace, to touch your heart and transform your life: and My peace I give to still your soul.

I know you through and through – I know everything about you. The very hairs of your head I have numbered. Nothing in your life is unimportant to Me. I have followed you through the years, and l have always loved you – even in your wanderings. I know every one of your problems. I know your needs and your worries. And yes, I know all your sins. But I tell you again that I love you – not for what you have or haven’t done – I love you for you, for the beauty and dignity My Father gave you by creating you in His own image. It is a dignity you have often forgotten, a beauty you have tarnished by sin. But I love you as you are, and I have shed My Blood to win you back. If you only ask Me with faith, My grace will touch all that needs changing in your life; and I will give you the strength to free yourself from sin and all its destructive power.

I know what is in your heart – I know your loneliness and all your hurts – the rejections, the judgments, the humiliations. I carried it all before you. And I carried it all for you, so you might share My strength and victory. I know especially your need for love – how you are thirsting to be loved and cherished. But how often have you thirsted in vain, by seeking that love selfishly, striving to fill the emptiness inside you with passing pleasure – with the even greater emptiness of sin. Do you thirst for love? “Come to Me all you who thirst. . .” (Jn. 7:37). I will satisfy you and fill you. Do you thirst to be cherished? I cherish you more than you can imagine – to the point of dying on a cross for you.

I thirst for you. Yes, that is the only way to even begin to describe My love for you: I THIRST FOR YOU. I thirst to love you and to be loved by you – that is how precious you are to Me. I THIRST FOR YOU. Come to Me, and I will fill your heart and heal your wounds. I will make you a new creation, and give you peace, even in all your trials. I THIRST FOR YOU. You must never doubt My mercy, My acceptance of you, My desire to forgive, My longing to bless you and live My life in you. I THIRST FOR YOU. If you feel unimportant in the eyes of the world, that matters not at all. For Me, there is no one any more important in the entire world than you. I THIRST FOR YOU. Open to me, come to Me, thirst for Me, give Me your life – and I will prove to you how important you are to My Heart.

Don’t you realize that My Father already has a perfect plan to transform your life, beginning from this moment? Trust in Me. Ask Me every day to enter and take charge of your life – and I will. I promise you before My Father in heaven that I will work miracles in your life. Why would I do this? Because I THIRST FOR YOU. All I ask is that you entrust yourself to Me completely. I will do all the rest.

Even now I behold the place My Father has prepared for you in My Kingdom. Remember that you are a pilgrim in this life, on a journey home. Sin can never satisfy you, or bring the peace you seek. All that you have sought outside of Me has only left you more empty, so do not cling to the things of this life. Above all, do not run from Me when you fall. Come to Me without delay. When you give Me your sins, you give Me the joy of being your Saviour. There is nothing I cannot forgive and heal: so come now, and unburden your soul.

No matter how far you may wander, no matter how often you forget Me, no matter how many crosses you may bear in this life; there is one thing I want you to always remember, one thing that will never change: I THIRST FOR YOU -just as you are. You don’t need to change to believe in My love, for it will be your belief in My love that will change you. You forget Me, and yet I am seeking you every moment of the day – standing at the door of your heart, and knocking. Do you find this hard to believe? Then look at the cross, look at My Heart that was pierced for you. Have you not understood My cross? Then listen again to the words I spoke there – for they tell you clearly why I endured all this for you: “I THIRST…” (Jn. 19:28).Yes, I thirst for you- as the rest of the psalm-verse I was praying says of Me: “I looked for love, and I found none…” (Ps. 69:20). All your life I have been looking for your love – I have never stopped seeking to love you and be loved by you. You have tried many other things in your search for happiness; why not try opening your heart to Me, right now, more than you ever have before.

Whenever you do open the door of your heart, whenever you come close enough, you will hear Me say to you again and again, not in mere human words but in spirit: “No matter what you have done, I love you for your own sake. Come to Me with your misery and your sins, with your troubles and needs, and with all your longing to be loved. I stand at the door of your heart and knock … Open to-Me, for I THIRST FOR YOU…”

Rufous: “Spandling hassle situations”  

Finch: “You irritate me in a good way.”   

Butz: “Why are you laughing?  Just because I almost accosted that woman?”  

Rufous: “Oh, I need to get alcohol for that.”  

Cardinal: “I’m just thinking how funny it will be when Rufous is in a wheelchair!”  

Brant: “I’m glad I didn’t kiss you.” 

Finch: “Um, I’m glad I haven’t been here!”  

Rufous: “Don’t, don’t!  I’m going to hit you!”  (In Wegmans’ parking lot) 

Tringa: “A fish fry?  What is that?” 

Buffy: “Ok, you can go poop tonight.  How about tomorrow?”  

Rufous:  “You had a light in your butt last night?”  

Rina: “I feel bad, is Finch mad?”  

Eve: “Just put it in the dead baby bag.” 

Cardinal:  “Should I keep using this (pertaining to vacuum)?”
Ani: “Uh, sure, just use it until it explodes, I guess.”  

Butz:  “For my 50th birthday, will you come do line dancing with the nuns?”  

Rufous: “You have to move stuff out of my backend.”
Hermi: “Sounds like you need to take care of that yourself.”  

Eve: “Think Cardinal, how great would it be to have Penny as a mother-in-law?”
Penny: “Oh, and the babies!”  

Brant: “Just because I can’t think doesn’t mean you should love me!”  

Pitta: “That sounded like a hot air balloon!”
Rina: “Yeah, it did!  It did sound like a hot dog!” 

Ani: “It smells like death, and urine, and period!”

Cardinal: “Isn’t that a song?” 

Pitta: “I just counted how many campers we have and I totally left out Molly, because I thought she was a counselor!” 

Ava: “If someone here was pregnant, could they mark off the milk they drank on the milk chart?” 

Aythya: “I would hate to come, make her open the shop, and then kill her cat.” 

Rufous: “Nail clippers!  I completely forgot.  I was distracted by the underwear.” 

Rina: “It’s gonna get tough, but you just gotta keep saying banana.” 

Rufous: “Half an allergen is better than no allergen, so eat up.” 

Explorers: “What if Randal was a girl?  Then you’d have the best of both worlds.” 

“I’m not crooked, I’m just driving dirty.”

…And thus we rust Life’s iron chain
Degraded and alone:
And some men curse, and some men weep,
And some men make no moan:
But God’s eternal Laws are kind
And break the heart of stone.

And every human heart that breaks,
In prison-cell or yard,
Is as that broken box that gave
Its treasure to the Lord,
And filled the unclean leper’s house
With the scent of costliest nard.

Ah! happy those whose hearts can break
And peace of pardon win!
How else may man make straight his plan
And cleanse his soul from Sin?
How else but through a broken heart
May Lord Christ enter in?

– Oscar Wilde

Well, the paper didn’t get finished. Which is ok, since Dr. Bressler decided he didn’t want it until Monday anyway. I even took a caffeine pill to stay awake, and boy was that a trip… hopefully I won’t have to take them more than once in a very great while. I ended up going to bed at 5:00 in the morning… the closest I’ve ever come to an all-nighter. I’m pretty proud of my record, I must say…. I’ve never had to pull one of those.

I went to Leonard 22 tonight to watch a movie. It was supposed to be “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers,” which is apparently a tradition for them… but someone actually had it out of the library. It was a very mournful moment when Nate told the rest of his housemates… Dan started playing depressing movie music on their keyboard while Mike gave a very moving monologue about the tragedy of the whole situation. We ended up watching “On the Town,” a refreshingly campy 40’s musical with Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra. Who know Sinatra could dance?

I’m going home tomorrow for the Superbowl… I really could care less about the game itself, but I haven’t seen my daddy in what feels like ages… so I’m going just so I can watch it with him.

I drew a cross on the inside of my wrist tonight. Sometimes it’s good to have a reminder.

angry and…?

I’m angry with myself. I promised a friend I would meet them for dinner tonight and forgot. I feel absolutely awful about it. Why can’t I forget the small, mundane things and remember those that are so important?

Maybe the way I feel about the whole situation at present could be considered as angry… but it’s more like frustrated. I know I’m vague, but I’m not going to spill everything out here. The thing is that I’ve realized I’m too involved. I should have seen things coming to this point, but I didn’t. I feel like the Lord is telling me that now is the time when I have to step away. If situations which don’t concern me at all (at least they didn’t until recently) still have the ability to be on my mind and make me frustrated and absent-minded enough to forget things I have made a commitment to, then it’s time to back out. I want to continue being a friend – a comfort (even though I feel that what I consider to be the comforting part of my personality is making things complicated at the moment), but I have decided that I shouldn’t give any more advice. I’ve done all that I can.

I know I’m cryptic. If you wanted to get the full scope of things you would have to read my journal, which you could, but then I would have to kill you.

Random fact: when I wear the hood up on my winter jacket and fasten it with the velcro things, my shadow looks like ET. (If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.)